What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
16.06.2025 01:43
I waited trembling.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My friend asked my crush and he said my crush hates me but not in a rude way. What does that mean?
I will be 64.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Why would Hugh Grant cheat on Elizabeth Hurley?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I never cut or harmed myself..
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We all went to grammer schools
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was scared of men, in general
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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I was 9 years of age.
So whats the point in blame.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
So, i spoilt her more .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As i do to all so called friends.?
All the time i was locked up.
Why would a girl not want you to know she has a crush on you?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One cannot live in the past .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was in good health!
Would this be the day?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
What did i know ?
This is soul school!.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My family never makes their pension either.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But, we were locked up after school.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was very sick at this time too.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She married twice! .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I said to her
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But ive been too sick for many years..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We were not on the streets..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im still living with it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She loved him until the end.
Comes on , in middle age.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I don,t even have a pension.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was seconnd youngest,
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But it wasn’t much.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He knew the spot.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He resisted the act ,that day.
Ive learnt so much.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She found it foreign!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I write beautiful poetry .
It was going to be , some day.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She wouldn,t have been !
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My life is so biszare .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Who then, do I blame.?
When she asked me how she looked .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I have no regrets .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Put me off passion for life!!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I think the readers, may guess!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I couldn’t, believe it.
And i lived it daily.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.